Why?

This is something that happened to me day before yesterday (Tuesday 19^th April 2011). Thought it was an interesting story, so thought I’d share it.

The flesh from my knee was hanging off. One side dry and scabby, the other wet and bloody. I unhinged the bloody mess off in one swift motion, inhaling through clenched teeth in an attempt to relieve the surging pain. It stang so much my eyes were watering, and new skin peeled the outline of the wound, leaving the flesh red and raw. The pan was hot now, and the knob of butter sizzled furiously as it melted and sent thick smoke up in the air. I tossed the small burger-shaped piece of meat in the frying pan. Instantly it began to make noise. It didn't look like the flesh of a knee; it looked harmless – though this made it more sinister. The smell was something foul too; an indication that it probably best not ever be cooked; a putrid and vile stench. The juices blended with the fat and bubbled in the hot pan, making the meat hiss loudly. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe I was about to indulge in eating human flesh, a part of my own body. Just the thought made me sick, and the sight of the fleshy piece in front of me didn't help either, nor the smell of burning human flesh. However, no one was making me do this. I was doing this because I wanted to.

It wasn't too thick, so it cooked pretty quickly. Scooping it out from the pan, I dumped it onto a plate and stared at it from above. It didn’t look too bad now, but I still knew what it was. With out even mentioning a knife and fork in my thoughts, I picked up the fatty, flabby piece of meat and edged it closer to my mouth. The burger dripped with fat, and I closed my eyes before taking a bite into the hellish food. The texture was course, and my teeth struggled to tear through it. It took two or three seconds for the flavour to fully sink in. It definitely tasted familiar, but before I had time to put my finger on it, I opened the cupboard below the sink to find the bin, and spat out the mouthfuls repeatedly, expelling every tiniest morsel with fresh spells of spittle. The kitchen was heavily dressed with the stench, that dreadful stench, and turned breathing into gagging. I knew it would be weeks before I’d be fully rid of that toxic smell. I just stood there, thinking what I'd just done.

How To Bunk Trains

Okay, so I've been meaning to create a blog for quite some time now, and I've finally got around to doing it. Please forgive the mundane layout - the concentration here is on content, not presentation. Enjoy!

‘Ticket inspectors are now performing ticket checks in your carriage’, announced the unflattering voice through the tinny speaker. My heart was racing fast and I’m not going to lie, I was shitting it, which seems appropriate actually as I was huddled in the claustrophobic confines of the train toilet. I’d never heard that announcement before and I’d travelled on hundreds of trains, hundreds of times. So there I was, awaiting my fate, anxious and paranoid and not a single penny to save me from the wrath of the ticket inspector. Incidentally, I didn’t actually get caught that day and I strolled off the train at my stop, but it was at this point I decided that would be the last time I put myself in that position. No, I didn’t mean I was going to buy a ticket before boarding every train; rather, I would not be put in such a desperate situation next time. I have compiled this step-by-step guide on how to bunk trains, and I hope you will find it most useful.


Here I will be talking about 'bunking' trains, or more specifically how to bunk trains. I find that bunking trains is one of the most satisfying, rewarding and pure things one can do with their money. Sorry, time. For those of you that do not know, the term 'bunking' basically means to avoid buying a ticket. They say that you should always board a train with a valid ticket, but why pay when you can get away without buying one? I like to think of myself as the master of train bunking. I've grown up out of the immature days of hiding in the toilet to evade the ticket guard – this only pisses off the ticket inspector, and anyway why would you want a soil-ridden seat when you can settle in the comfort of a dust-ridden one? If you are feeling particularly daring and have no money whatsoever, you can even go and settle in first class – which is exactly the same as the standard seats, only they state that they are first class. Genius. I generally find that if you travel at off-peak times and follow my step-by-step guide, you can seriously save a lot of money. These days I think I'm forced to buy a ticket only 10% of the time – and that's only if I choose to pay for a ticket just out of pure convenience. And if I don't have the money, I'll still get to where I want to go without paying. I have learnt all of the tricks through many years experience, and I am now sharing all that I know with you. I will try and explain this as thoroughly and clearly as possible.


First thing's first, you need to decide whether you fall into the category of not wanting to buy a ticket, or physically not being able to. If you have money, you know are always safe – unless you are extremely unlucky and there are the ticket inspectors who can charge you a penalty fare. Note: normal ticket guards (on trains) CANNOT charge you a penalty fare. There is only a minority of ticket inspectors who can issue penalty fares. The National Rail website states:


“If a passenger gets on a train without a ticket at a station where ticket facilities are available, they will have to pay a Penalty Fare if asked to do so by a ticket inspector who has been appointed as an 'authorised collector'.”


It’s also worth noting that if caught, one should not aggravate the ticket inspector by quipping: ‘do I get a third off my penalty fare ‘cause I have a young persons railcard?’ This is not a smart idea, as I regrettably once found out… The only other people who are authorised are the transport police who (are more than easy to spot in their uniform and) usually board trains in the rush hours to catch out the school kids, or are on random trains infrequently to catch unsuspecting passengers out. This is extremely rare though, and the last time I remember seeing them was so long ago that I can't even remember. Over the years I think I've only been given penalty fares on four occasions: my birthday, St. George’s day, St. Patrick’s day and NYE. I joke, but on a serious note, I didn’t have to pay for any of them. If you are asked to pay on the spot, say you haven't got the money on you, as this will help you get away with not paying it. They sent me two or three letters saying that if I didn't pay up they would summon a court order and charge me for all expenses incurred. This never happened.


Next, you must also know your stations, as this information is extremely valuable. You need to know the stations you are travelling both to and from. If there are ticket barriers at either for instance, you will not get away with boarding the train or getting off without incurring a penalty fare. The next thing to keep in mind is what kind of train you are boarding e.g. a fast, or slow train. If you have no money and you board a slow train that stops frequently at most (or all) of the stops, you risk being kicked off at a random station miles away from your final destination, as the handbook that ticket inspectors follow advises them to kick off all non-paying customers (irony?) at the next station. In contrast, if you were to board a fast train and get kicked off, chances are you will be much closer to where you are going, and if you are lucky even get 'kicked off' at your stop. That, essentially, is what you are aiming for. Supposing you are kicked off prematurely, don't panic. Remain calm and collected and stick to the plan. Fast trains only stop at larger stations that run trains more frequently, so the good news is that you won't have long to wait to hop on the next one. And if you're really up on your luck, the next train you board could have its first stop as your final destination, which basically means that even if you do get kicked off you needn't worry as you are where you wanted to be.


I guess the most important thing is that you board the fast trains – they are vastly helpful and aid the average train-bunker tremendously. An added bonus too: not only do you get to where you want to go for free, but you also get there much quicker! The rest is just practise. 


And so I write these final few words in the comfort of my first class seat (with no valid train ticket or money), and the next stop is mine. Looks like I'm up on my luck, let’s hope you are too. Good luck, fellow train-bunkers!